Ever wondered what made Nurse Ratched so mean in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? It could have been the terrible patients she was forced to deal with on a daily basis at her mental health hospital. While it’s probably true that most people you’ll encounter in your facility will be normal, you’re bound to encounter some bad eggs from time to time. A bit of humor can help get you deal with these hospital hell-raisers.

You’ve been paged… again!

1. The Paranoid
Similar to the Hypochondriac, the Paranoid thinks that you, not an intestine eating super-virus, are trying to kill him. He’ll hide under the covers every time you enter the room — even if you’re not carrying a foot-long needle. Since the Paranoid patient will be scared of you no matter what, try saying a line from a different horror movie each time you enter the room. Some suggestions: “They’re coming to get you Barbara,” (from Night of the Living Dead) while holding out you arms and rolling your eyes back like a zombie; or “One, two, Freddie’s coming for you,” (from Nightmare on Elm Street) while toting a small chalkboard and some fake nails.

2. The Penny Pincher
Every time you go to give the Penny Pincher a procedure, they pull out their bank book and ask how much it’s going to cost. It’s a legitimate concern if this person doesn’t have health insurance or if he or she is on Medicaid, but otherwise, what’s the issue? The next time you’re wheeling the Penny Pincher out for their spinal tap and he or she mutters about the money, launch into the story about the woman in Poughkeepsie who paid for her leg amputation with a year’s supply of her famous chocolate-chip peanut-butter cookies to her surgeons.

3. The Hypochondriac
The doctor diagnoses them with pneumonia, but they swear it’s cancer. You tell them to expect pain after the surgery, but they attribute it to a fatal blood clot. There’s no talking a Hypochondriac out of his or her death wish, but have some fun with them by pretending to have a serious talk about their “condition.” Sit down on the patient’s bed and say, “I’m sorry to tell you this Chuck, but you have Hypochondria.” See how long it takes to register.

4. The Complainer
Whether it’s about their care or their chicken pot pie dinner, this type of patient plans to run you up the wall with their whining. You’ll never be able to address all of this person’s grievances, so don’t waste your time consoling them. Instead, add a bit of sunshine to a Complainer’s day by listing all of the other things that could be wrong with his or her health and their situation. For instance, if the patient laments not having their IV tube cleaned, say, “It could be worse – it could be your soiled bedpan.”

5. The Talker
Five minutes into a conversation with Talkers, you’ll know their vital statistics, mother’s maiden name and the time they almost got run over by a car — when they were five years old. The Talker’s verbal vacuum will suck anyone in and render them helpless. Fend off the chatty cyclone by feigning deafness/an ear infection/ laryngitis or any other ailment that will hinder or at least lessen the painful impact of their self-centered conversation.

6. The Flirt
The Flirt cares not that you’re in scrubs, not a short skirt and stilettos — he will still find ways to talk about your anatomy to get a date. Short of saying you’re not interested, married, gay or a heartbeat away from filing a sexual harassment charge, remind him that the last patient that made a pass at you now lives at the county mental hospital.

7. The Know-it-All
“Geez, Nurse Mark, I really think that I could do a much better job inserting that catheter,” says Omnipotent Oliver. You’ll never do right by Know-it-Alls, so take it lying down — literally. When you get patients like this, coax them out of bed, lie down in their place and tell them to administer treatment to you. Then make a bet with yourself on how many seconds it’ll take before they throw up their hands and start crying.

8. The Mind Changer
One minute she’s hot, the next she’s cold. First, she wants brown slop for dinner, now she wants green. In addition to being Al Gore’s best friend, Mind-Changers send you scurrying in several different directions throughout the duration of their stay. Put a stop to the indecisive insanity by not giving them any options — whatsoever. They’ll get the hint when they’re getting wheeled in to their leg amputation surgery even though they checked in for appendicitis.

9. The Needer
The Needer constantly wants another cup of water, extra blanket, lower heat, but, most importantly, your presence every minute of his or her stay. This person is probably in several
co-dependent relationships in his or her normal life and is used to getting constant attention. You can use a dual-nurse approach for this patient. Saunter into the Needer’s room with a coworker and upon hearing his or her first request, say to the other nurse, “Did you hear something?”

10. The Deal-Maker
“If I keep this IV in, can I leave a day earlier?” would be an inquiry uttered by this type of patient. They’ll wheel and deal for just about anything, whether it’s extra butter on their mashed potatoes or after-hours visitors. The simple way to deal with the deal-maker
is by using uncomfortable/embarrassing procedures as a bargaining chip. Tell them if they can keep a lid on it for a day, you’ll ask the doctor to put the needle in the arm, not the “other area.”

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Though their conditions may be serious, laughter may be the ticket to tackling terrible patients. These personalities are no match for an experienced nurse who can move past their pestering ways. Greet each one of these patients with a needle and a nice smile.